Today’s theme was modern movies starring big name actors from the 1980s, a level of niche that I never suspected we could reach, but here we are in week two, surpassing my dreams.
First up was The Darkness (pic related), a 2016 joint starring Kevin Bacon. If you’re looking for a legitimate horror film, I will stop you right now. I’m giving this one spooky demon out of five (👹) This was a great movie to watch if you want to giggle at a ridiculous plot and lame jump scares. The pacing was bad, the script was bad, the effects were bad. I described it as about 4 scripts melded into one. It has every bad horror trope it possibly good: a mystical autistic child communing with demons, mystical Native American legends, an unfaithful husband, alcoholic mother, a daughter struggling with eating disorders, and a house exorcism. I would say that this a good movie to watch while you play a drinking game with your friends….. take a sip every time you roll your eyes, but maybe only drink 3.2 Beer.
Next up was The Factory starring John Cusack. A serial killer is on the loose kidnapping women and a detective finds his daughter missing. The plot was plodding and the madman wasn’t that evil. In my dad’s words, this was one severed babydoll head out of five. (👶)
So at this point our favorite 80’s superstars were FAILING at delivering us any horror whatsoever, so we went to the Swedish-Russian Boxer that we loved to hate: Dolph Lundgren in Don’t Kill It. A demon terrorizes a small town as it travels into the body of the person who kills the precious host. Our hero Dolph is a net gun toting demon hunter packing rubber bullets who must figure out how to defeat it without allowing it to pass into another body. The plot was bad, the effects were bad, the script was funny and we’re not sure it was on purpose, there were plot holes big enough for Dolph to waltz through, and the only saving grace is that it was short and fast paced. We’re gonna give it two bolo nets out of five. (
) (give me a break, my rating options are limited.)
Movies With My Dad 